your soul knows.
be still and listen.
A recovering angry mom
I remember the day like it was yesterday, screaming on the kitchen floor...pounding my fist to the LINOLEUm as hard as i could with two crying kids staring at me like "get up off the floor we need you!"
I couldn't get a hold of myself. rage had once again taken over and i was tired of trying. i was tired of waking up every morning dreading the day that lied ahead. i just wanted to end it. i wanted to go back in time and get my life back. all i had in me in that moment was anger and resentment and i was doing the only thing i could in that moment to get these feelings out.
after my tantrum ended, exhausted from the screams, i picked my head up. the girls had ran off to play and i was alone. my husband (who is in the military) was gone once again. we were in a new state, i had no friends, and my family was six hours away. no one was coming to save me.
I remember so vividly wanting my mom to come and rescue me like she had done so many times before when i was little, except i wasn't a child anymore. i was an adult with my own kids in desperate need of a mom who could be there for them just as my own mom had been there for me.
i knew as i laid there that i had to get help. i knew i couldn't continue to live day in and out with such pent up feelings of rage and resentment. i couldn't be a good mom to my two girls if i didn't get my life figured out. i didn't know how to change and i didn't know how to get rid of the anger, but i knew i had to try because continuing on like this wasn't an option anymore.
a few days later, a parents magazine landed on my doorstep. an elderly neighbor that i didn't know said it got delivered to him and he thought that i'd enjoy it more than he would. inside that magazine was a tiny article for a podcast called "zen parenting radio". i don't know why, but i felt like the universe was speaking directly to me that day. i had never listened to podcasts before, but i had this odd feeling that this could be my life raft.
i immediately went to my phone and started playing the first episode. i listened to one and then a second and then i put on headphones and listened to as many as i could as quickly as i could. i was having one ah-ha moment after the next and for the first time ever i was realizing that change was possible and i alone held the keys.
cathy and todd spoke in every episode about the importance of self-care and self awareness. it was like they were speaking directly to me and one episode at a time i was changing. it was just the catalyst i needed to really look inside myself and solve problems that had been there for years.
since beginning the podcast, i started seeing a counselor to help me with the ideas of self-awareness, mindfulness, and radical acceptance...i finally had the courage to talk to my doctor about patterns in my rage that i thought were hormone based and he put me on medication to help me with the mood swings i was experiencing. i started really working on my thoughts and did a lot of cognitive therapy on replacing all the negative talk inside my head. fear was guiding me for a really long time and it felt so good to let go and stop living in the past and future so that I could focus on the present and how great my life truly was.
my hope is that you are able to go on your own journey here on the drifting anchor. there is so much to be gained from self understanding. it isn't just for moms and their relationship with their kids, but for every type of relationship including the one with yourself. here i will share tools and stories from my own journey as well as stories from other women who have their own story or wisdom to share. i also want share a passion i have for decorating with you because i truly believe that creating a space in your home that you love can be so beneficial to your soul. home is where we can be our truest selves and being surrounded with things that bring us joy, allows us to decompress, recharge, and remind us of things that matter most in life,,,our family.
thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of your story. it takes a village to raise a child and i want to be a part of yours.
hugs mamas. we can do hard things.