Maybe This Blog Isn't For You
This blog is a labor of love from both Molly and me. We spent so much time over the course of our friendship talking about motherhood and the struggles we both faced over coffees and lunches. Each time we left one another, we did so feeling like a weight was lifted. I felt like the load I was carrying wasn't quite so heavy because finally I had a friend to carry it with me. After some time, we knew we had to share these stories with other moms. We were feeling so good about our discussions we just knew there would be other people who too could benefit from our ability to be vulnerable.
The idea to do the blog felt almost like a calling for the both of us, but there was a time when we seriously questioned whether or not it was a good idea.
"How do you write for everyone?" I used to ask her.
I was so concerned with not leaving anyone out and I was even more concerned about the women out there who were struggling to conceive. Who the heck am I to sit here and complain about my life when there are women out there who are not as lucky as me.
There was also a big part of me that knew there would be people who wouldn't get what we were doing. I knew there would be people who would read our stories and roll their eyes.
It was these two points that I really struggled with. First of all, I just hate the thought of hurting someone who isn't able to conceive and secondly, did I really want to expose myself and open myself up to be judged by the moms who don't understand... The moms who love every moment of motherhood and look at me with pity and disgust. It all weighed really heavily on me.
While Molly and I were just tossing around the idea of our "project", I was talking to a struggling friend who had just had her second baby. She would text me and disclose some of the chaos going on in her life. I connected with her instantly. I knew I had to be there for her. She was struggling as I did not so long ago. Because I had been there before, I knew that even though I couldn't physically be there to help her, I could let her know that what she was feeling was normal and that what she was feeling were all the feelings I too once felt (and often still do), but that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Had I just known about the light last year from a friend or family member, I feel like I would have been able to breath deeper each day. I feel as though maybe my struggle wouldn't have been quite so isolating and painful.
It was my dear friend, who was brave enough to share her stories with us that made me realize how important this project is. I know other people are doing it, but clearly not enough because last year I thought I was alone...and I don't want anyone anyone to ever feel the way I did.
So, to the women who are not able to have children, my heart aches for you. If anything is ever said in this space that hurts you in any way, please know that it is not our intention. Please know that if anything is ever said that hurts you in any way that we are so incredibly sorry and we just ask that you please see our hearts in this space and know that we are never complaining or taking our children for granted. Please see that we are moms who are struggling with things that are bigger than we can handle and that we need one another to get through those moments when life feels so heavy. Please know that we are doing everything we can to be the best parents we possibly can be to the greatest gifts we have ever been given. PERIOD.
To the women who may roll their eyes at us...to the women that don't understand our stories, my hope is that you never have to understand. My hope is that you get to continue on as the amazing moms you are, enjoying and soaking up every moment you have with your little ones. I hope your days are not dark, but so bright and so fulfilled by these tiny humans. I hope you read our stories and find little to connect with. You are one of the lucky ones. You have something within you that I do not have but that is OK. I am struggling and growing and I am OK with that, just know that if there ever does come a day where you too are struggling and you are lacking the joy that used to come so effortlessly to you, know that we will be here for you.
In little ways and in big ways, this tiny space on the internet matters. In little ways and in very big ways, it is important. We created this for the moms who DO NEED us, because we are the moms who need them. Motherhood shouldn't ever feel isolating. Motherhood isn't a competition. Motherhood isn't a perfect box we all need to squeeze into. Some of us need other moms who just "get it". I need other moms who just "get it", for it is them who encourage me to keep going.
I just need to keep going.
There are moms, just like me, who are suffering in silence. No one wants to be the mom who can't find the joy in motherhood. No one wants to be the mom who is struggling, so, you wear a mask. You fake it and hide everything you are feeling. Every move you make eats at you but no one ever notices, and the only time the mask comes off is when you are at home alone with your kids. Our kids see sides of us we wish didn't exist and talking about it helps us heal and it helps us to be better. It gives us tools from other moms who have walked a similar path. It gives us the opportunity to take off the mask and be real so that we can grow and move forward. There are moms suffering, and we are determined to do our part to help.
I wish I could write for everyone, but I just can't and that has to be OK. What I CAN do is share my story, I can open myself up. How do you keep quiet for fear of hurting someone's feelings knowing that by staying silent you are just hurting someone else? How do you keep quiet, knowing the good that could come from it, but choosing to stay silent because you are afraid of the judgement?
Neither seem like a good idea to me. Neither option helps those moms who need to hear our stories and neither option helps those moms who have a story to tell.
So here we are. We are choosing to be brave and we are choosing to speak up for the moms who struggle in silence. We share for the moms who wear the mask and we share for the moms who feel isolated and alone.
You can't write for everyone. You can only write about the story you have lived, and so here we are. Here are our stories. If we help just one person, then the job is done. If we just help ourselves, then the job is done. We are not experts, we are not doctors, we are just moms who were unfortunate enough to experience a side of motherhood that you don't often read about, but we are moms who are brave enough to open up our lives for you because in true honesty comes the most deepest of friendships. In true honesty comes healing.
Life is managable with friends by our side, so today, I share my story for you.