July's Story: On Edge
I have been on edge since the moment I saw two lines on the pregnancy test. I was so excited. We had been trying for six months, and I was “finally” pregnant. I know that in the grand scheme of things it didn’t take long; but I got pregnant with Milly on the first try and no matter what I tried to tell myself, I assumed I would get pregnant with our second immediately. I was on edge from the moment I found out I was pregnant, because of all the “what ifs” that race through your mind. The first trimester, the anatomy scan, feeling the right amount of kicks...you know what I’m talking about. I was on edge because I was so sick, and basically threw up from week 6 through 21. I was on edge because I knew we had it so good with just one kid, and I was afraid of the chaos that would result in bringing a newborn home.
I have spent the last year and two months on edge, and there is no end in sight. I know it comes with the territory of becoming a Mom, because let’s face it; we are doomed to worry about our children forever. But it’s that constant feeling of edge that I can’t shake off, and it is affecting everything else in my life. I do OK at work, but the moment I get in the car to go pick up Emmy, I can feel it coming back. It feels like something is crawling on my skin and I have to actively tell myself to breath. I pick her up, and strap her in the car seat, only to wait for her to scream. I spend the entire ride home tensed up just waiting for the cries. We get home, and I put her down in her froggy chair, and I just wait for her to fuss. I finally bathe her, get her in PJs and sit down in her room to feed her, and I feel myself becoming a ticking time bomb. All I can think about is her finishing her bottle, and crying once I put her down. I feel the blood boiling in my body, and by the end of the day I am just ready to burst into tears.
Will I ever feel normal again?
I want to get excited to pick her up, and have a pleasant ride up listening to her babble. I want to get home and play with her, and see her smile. I want to get her ready for bed, and snuggle without her pushing me off. I want to feed her, and enjoy holding her while she falls asleep in my arms, or my chest. I want the days that were robbed from me while we went through hell during my maternity leave. I want a do over.
I want to feel like I’m on cloud nine. I want the edge to go away. I just want to be happy.