Kristy's Story: Not Every Moment Is Awesome
I am sitting here in my car with my bag of makeup next to me trying to put myself together enough to leave for the day. A bag of makeup has pretty much become a staple in my car much like my cup of coffee, since that is the most mobile aspect of my morning routine these days.
About a half hour earlier, as my crying ten month old is climbing up my leg, I think to myself, "OK, I can't take my straightener with me in the car, so it looks like it's going to be a messy bun as the hair style of choice for the millionth time, and I just need an outfit that doesn't have baby snot or mashed goldfish wiped down the front that won't offend anyone who has to sit next to me today in the conference room.
In the car, Luke can go in his car seat where I don't have to worry about him trying to eat the dog food, or emptying an entire roll of toilet paper while I try to get ready. (Although there have absolutely been days where I have resorted to letting him dabble in the above so I can finish brushing my teeth...the toilet paper that is, not the dog food. Alright, sometimes the dog food depending on how long it'll be before I can fix him an actual meal ;)
Don't get me wrong, being a mom is hands down the best thing that has ever happened to me. On a daily basis I look down at my child and catch myself just staring in amazement at this tiny human who I love so much. It literally takes my breath away.
Kids are awesome. That is a fact. However comma...not every moment is awesome. Also a fact.
There are aspects of my previous life that I miss. I feel guilty even saying that, but oh is it the truth.
I miss simple things that you take for granted before becoming a mom.
Today's simple pleasure: being able to completely get ready in the morning. Monday through Friday mornings are the most stressful times for me. I am wrangling a baby, a dog, my phone (which is already blowing up from work), all whilst attempting to get myself and said baby out the door without forgetting anything.
I find myself getting frustrated often because I will have a meeting that day or it'll just be one of those days when I want, NO NEED, to feel pulled together and I just can't make it happen with the baby crawling up my leg...he needs me, but I *need* to get ready...so the guilt sets in.
The guilt then continues during those crazy mornings when I am thinking to myself, "man I just can't wait to drop him off at daycare." I wish the thought didn't cross my mind, but it does, and it does often. Juggling this whole mom/career woman thing is so hard.
You see, I see Luke during that hour I am getting ready during the week and then I see him for an hour after I pick him up at daycare, we have dinner, play for a few minutes and then it is tubby time, bottle and bed. We have such limited time together I know I shouldn't be sweating the small stuff, but in those sweaty moments, I just can't shake it. A stressful morning sets off my whole day. I am stressed at home and now I am stressed when I am walking into work where more stress gets thrown my way. It's a cycle...a vicious one at that.
Part of pulling myself together in the morning is about my desire to look and feel like I have everything under control, when in reality, some days it's anything but.
Moms today seem to have it so much worse. Not only do we have to have our lives together at every moment, but we are subjected to all these people posting their perfect pictures of their perfect lives on social media as they are dressed to perfection in trendy outfits with curled hair and red lipstick, sitting in their perfectly clean and organized home, drinking a HOT cup of coffee (what even is this word hot they speak of) with their perfectly manicured hands drinking said coffee placed ever so perfectly in that photo so that you can see all the above in one tiny square. Seriously, how do they get all of it into one picture?
This is not reality. This is not reality. This is not reality...I tell myself ten thousand times a day.
Trying to have it all together is exhausting. No mom has it all together, no matter how many perfect pictures they post of their smiling babies and their stupid clean houses with their stupid white couches (damn you white couches).